FLIPPED SWITCH

For the first time in a long time (or maybe ever?), I am feeling the need to slow way down, to have a close-to-empty plate. Why, I’ve found myself asking. What’s flipping my switch? I’ve always felt the opposite — an emptiness, literally, without a very full plate, both in and out of my mothering. I’ve been trying to figure it out because 1) the feeling is surprising me and 2) the feeling is very real.

You know, I guess I can remember one other time in my life where I felt this way — right when I sold my interest in Let’s Playground. In moving on from that venture, a lead-heavy weight left my whole soul – my mind and my body – a weight that I didn’t even realize I was carrying so personally. Physically, I actually felt like a lighter person when it was all said and done. Mentally, I was relieved of so much to think about and do. The contrast in my well-being surprised me, and I welcomed it with open arms. I was ready for my brain to be at ease with nothing to care for but my Ryan and my two baby girls. The funny thing, though, is that that peace from “doing nothing” was fleeting. It didn’t take long for that other part of my soul to start talking to me again — my creative, go-getter side. She eventually got so hungry that she couldn’t leave me alone anymore, and she came knocking. Without having “something to do,” part of me was absolutely empty, and that emptiness caused a stress in my soul just about as much as the business did.

All of that was so good for me to feel. The pendulum of emotions and experiences taught me that I’m not one or the other — a go-getter or a relaxed, at-peace-with-life-er. I’m both. I need things to do, but only so many things to do. I’m a creative busy-body that has a limit. And right now, well, I am at that limit. But the sudden arrival really has me turning inward. Again, what has flipped my switch? 

I think it’s the amount of business branding clients I have had in the last year, and especially this last Spring. It’s running another itty bitty business that I love, but it is still a business. It think it was Ryan’s off-the-charts workload last Spring; his busyness always effects me. It was my first taste of the Spring season for kids — all the sports, all the recitals, all the things. It’s Olivia and Claire’s watching eyes. They are so aware of what I do now, even at night when they’re asleep (they can read my face so well now; they know I have a lot going on). More than anything, it’s my body. It’s my mind. If I’m being totally honest with myself (and writing this out is helping me so honest with myself!), I’m exhausted, and both my mind and body are asking me to pause, to slow down. Not to stop – my soul knows I need something – but I don’t need everything. I need “less but better.”

Have you heard that phrase? It was coined by Greg McKeown in his book, “Essentialism,” a read that changed my life as I running Let’s Playground, actually. The premise of the book is that doing less and doing less fully is of so much more worth than doing multiple things partially. So identify that which is most essential for you — your profession, your life’s mission, your soul’s appetite – and do the essential well. At other times in my life, I would’ve pushed away the messages my body is sending me and pushed on with filling my buckets because, well, I need to fill my buckets! I’ll be sad if I don’t. Plus other people can fill their multiple buckets, too, so it’s gotta be possible for me to do! But not anymore.

I know better now. Albeit surprised at the timing of your arrival, I hear you, Ms. Slow Down. I see you. I’ll listen to you. Piece by piece,  I’ll cut the non-essential things out of my life to make room for you. Because more than anything, do you know what I feel is most essential for my life currently and my legacy ultimately? For these girls to remember me as a happy mom. Not a stressed-out, strapped-thin mom. An appreciative-of-them mom, because she has the bandwidth to appreciate them.  A creative mom that was engaged and involved and “doing things,” but not at the expense of her health. A present, content, deeply happy mom.

If you were to ask me what I want to do in life to feel like I’ve been truly successful, it’s being the kind of my mom that my girls adore. It’s not being a business owner, or an idea generator, or a creative designer. Those feel like great things to me because they are me. I can’t and won’t let go of them completely. But I cannot ignore this: being an at-peace, content, balanced mom that my children can approach and connect with because that mom has freed herself of stress feels like an incredible thing to me.

Swing. The pendulum is moving and I’m here for it. We’ll see where I am where it stops. If I can guess, it’ll be much closer to “balanced” than I’ve ever been before. Life, man. Isn’t it such a ride for us all? If you feel yourself swinging right now, I see you! If you’re in a good spot, I’m so happy for you. How I believe that we all really do ride this rollercoaster, and that the best part of the ride is that we all have Heavenly Parents right by our sides as we do. God wants us to feel happiness so badly. True-to-us, balanced, deep deep happiness. How I believe we can get there, heeding the flipped switches and learning what’s essential for us along the way.

xoxox