REAL LIFE PIC VIA: the kitchen floor. Snapped today as Ryan walked into the house through the garage. The girls were playing “keep the balloon off the ground,” and well, Chloe couldn’t be left out, so there I was, helping Sis get her head in the game. Ryan immediately started laughing at scene. “Oh my gosh, you are just chilling here – totally swarmed by four kids and you’re not even batting an eye at it.”
“And you are?” I responded, also laughing now, because OH MY GOSH this is what I do all the time! Anchor the chaos as the girls spin around me, the girls happy as can be.
It’s a good life, my life. I meant it when I said in my last post that raising our girls is a thrill. It’s incredible to see someone(s) you love so much grow and to grow well, and then? Here’s some real talk: mothering/parenting is just straight up hard. I’m okay with telling you that, even after just barely spilling my beans about how much I adore my girls. Because I feel both ways 100%. I love them, but this job can be bruttaly hard. The “hard” for me right now in mothering revolves around exhaustion. Oh, if I could just sleep…
Last night I was up at 11:30 PM (after getting in bed at 11:00. Cue the tears. Falling asleep for thirty minutes only to be woken up by a crying child is a gut punch), 2:00 AM, 3:00 AM, 5:00 AM, and somehow didn’t wake up until 7:40 AM, which is when I suddenly sprinted out of bed to get Olivia to school by 7:55. That up-and-down night is normal for me, and if I focus too much on that fact, I break down. Actually, since having Chloe, I’ve done a really good job at not focusing on that fact and we’ve been alright around here. I am wearing down again, though, and I just don’t want to face plant. I can’t, honestly. I have too much to do. So I’m looking up (literally. I basically have a running prayer for help all day long) and I’m clinging to the reality that I’m in a major phase. It’s a heavy phase – it’s like walking through cement at times – but I will sleep for longer than 2 hours again! I will, I will, I will.
Other than the sleep/physical stuff, the “hard” for me right now is this…
Being ignored (anyone else have ask for help 500 times before you’re heard?!).
Being told by one of my girls that she knows better than me and that I’m not as smart as her (I’ll let you guess which child tells me that).
Watching one of my girls bottle up her feelings until she can’t hold it in any longer; watching her break down (it kills me. I know exactly how she feels. I have to give her better coping skills. Working on that one).
Seeing one of my girls fall through the cracks a little bit – it’s my sneaky child, so she likes to get away with not being seen at times (like when it’s time for chores, helllllo) – but a part of her feels a little invisible, I know it, and I hate seeing that hurt in her eyes (as a fellow middle child, I know exactly how she feels, too. Working on that one).
Soothing one of my as she welcomes four teeth into the world. At once. Ouch. No sleeping for us for at least another two weeks. I’m tired and she’s tired and we need to sleep train her again (will soon work on that one).
Being ignored.
Being disregarded — unappreciated, unnoticed, unthanked.
Being ignored.
I also feel lonely at times. Unless I FORCE friends and hobbies into my every day, my girls’ lives can drive my life entirely, and that’s just not right. It’s not safe, honestly. Pouring every ounce of my being into my babies would drain my well, and well? You can’t drive on empty.
So, friends, trust me when I say that I love these girls, and as much as it’s an intrinsic, intuitive love, when the rubber hits the road (meaning, when the grind gets heavy), my love for the legit work of motherhood also becomes deliberate. Inspired by these sweet words, I pray daily for my love for this work to stay full…
“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love…” Moroni 7:47-48
Grateful for that promise – one that I’ve seen work before – one that I need to put it to the test even more. You can’t have too much love, you know?
Not when there’s a need for a LOT of love to go around. 🙂
