20/20

2020, so far, has me stumped. I’ve had a hard time catching a vibe and vision for the year. I don’t know if it’s because the end of 2019 wore me out? Probably, although, 2019 was by far one of the best years of my adult life. I had Chloe and stayed true to “me.” I went through the rollercoaster of having a baby without really being rocked. Past experiences with having a newborn found me metamorphosing, which is both good and hard. Change is always good, if not initially then eventually. Change lets you weed out what doesn’t work for you and your people; change helps you work back in only the things that do. But Chloe was my fourth baby in six years, and to change so frequently – to be stripped to the core again right after building yourself back up – is hard. Every time a baby is born, so is a mother. And she is a new and different person than the person she was minutes before the baby arrived. Again, I’m not one to depress the power of new beginnings. A tree doesn’t get fresh, vibrant Summer leaves without losing them first. But for the first time, as I prepped for Chloe, I decided to mitigate the magnitude of the drastic change that accompanies new babies. I just didn’t want to be knocked flat again.

To be brief, I changed the way I perceived the newborn phase. I chose to better see holding my baby through the night as a comforting gift, not an exhausting expense. Then, I didn’t change some things, like my routines at home and investing in my hobbies. I didn’t stop my habit of going to bed with a clean house (not because that’s what people “should” do, it’s just one of my things). I didn’t stop creating. I worked with freelance clients from January – late May, I had Chloe, and I picked up my work again from August – December. Choosing to keep my life as normal as possible meant that I was busy, but you know, every stick has two ends. Life never escapes that fact, no matter what kind of stick you’re picking up.

But 2020 found me a little tired, so I’ve felt confused as to how I want to approach my creative work this year. Do I focus more on photography? On branding and consulting? On blogging? Last year I juggled all three and I liked tossing the different balls. But should I focus on one avenue this year? I was offered a position with one of the companies I branded. It’s happened with other start-ups I’ve helped, but this offer is different; the role they want me to run with is so, so up my alley. But locking down with one client means I’d say “no” to all the others. It means I’d have to show up well for six bosses instead of the five I currently have (my girls, their lives, our little house). Every stick has two ends.

And what about my passion this year – my life and work as a mother? My girls are growing at lightning speed before my eyes. Olivia is turning into a big, big girl. One night back in November while cuddling her to sleep and answering all of her questions, reality hit me with a gut punch that that day with her was one I would never get back. That day had come that morning, it was leaving me in those moments, and whatever I had done or not done for and with Olivia and her sisters that day was a sealed deal. If I had been ornery and short with the girls, well then, I had been ornery and short. Short, especially, of the mother that I want the girls to remember. If I had been funny, playful and patient with them, then I had been the mother that I know that I am deep, deep down inside. I would’ve lived a day with no guilt and no regrets. The days I have with my girls, I realized in that moment, always go one of just two ways, and if I didn’t start becoming even more intentional about how each day with my girls was going to go – if I was going to be overwhelmed by the work it is to raise them instead of being thrilled by them – I was going to lose them in these fleeting days. Every stick has two ends.

So, Dear 2020,

I think I’ve figured you out.

I want to see my girls more clearly in you – their joys, needs, strengths – so as to not let them, or my best self, slip away.

I want see more of my creative calling unfold – to find the intersection of my greatest strengths and others’ true needs.

20/20 in 2020.

xoxo,

Me

Pic via our recent hike in Snow Canyon State Park. The light blaring through the brush completely stopped me. How clearly you can see the glory, really, of something that comes across as being something so general.

20/20 in 2020.