LIES & LOVE

One of the girls has been sneaky and dishonest lately. Not in crazy ways, but it’s been by choice, so the behavior has merited some discipline. If I’m being honest, disciplining my daughters is my least favorite part of being a mother. It’s just hard to do it right. I get the value of it, obviously (there’s no way I can swallow passive parenting), but being a respectful, calm disciplinarian versus a frustrated, emotional one is not always my strong suit. I’ve had growing pains in figuring out what works and what doesn’t; what actually motivates my daughters to choose well on their own and what turns them in the opposite direction (which is usually where, for their own good, I don’t want them to go)! But if I’ve learned – and am still learning – anything, it’s that using anger to convey seriousness always fails. Love always wins. 

The girls and I had a cool discussion the other day that helped me remember that — and how I’ve been slacking at that love > all approach. The discussion started because another lie from one of the girls resurfaced, but what amazed me was that when we wrapped up our discussion, what we talked about was “discipline” enough. The loving, calm, constructive conversation was so effective in helping my daughter get the big picture that she apologized to whom she needed to, and a consequence wasn’t really necessary. I didn’t have to discipline.

The main points of our discussion – – –

You choose to lie because you don’t want to get into trouble. Makes sense. But. Lying plops you on a one-way road to trouble, if not immediately then eventually, and you cannot change the direction of that road. To illustrate, we talked about the driveway in front of Olivia’s school, and that it takes drivers one way: to the school. That clicked with the girls, and as we continued to hash things out, it was awesome to see them piece together the fact that if you make a particular choice, you’ll get to a particular place. Most often, choices have consequences you can’t control. Positive choices keep you safe and happy; negative ones, like lying, lead to trouble. Always.

And the lesson for me? Loving your children through their issues leads them to you, not away from you. Always. The daughter that lied and I were more than cool with each other when all was said and done, rather than pitted against each other (which has happened before when working through stuff like this). Our closeness after the conflict relieved me.

Lastly, I had the clearest thought run through my mind after the girls and I finished talking: sneaking around or lying to parents doesn’t happen if the child knows that they will be loved through their mistakes. If my girls feel that I will withdraw my love somehow because of their choice (like via an angry tone of voice, a frustrated facial expression, literally clamming up and withdrawing, etc.), they will hide their choice. No child wants to feel the pain of disappointing their parent. In fact, I’m learning that children can’t stand it. Children can’t process withdrawal — it’s abstract, and often layered underneath so many other adult emotions.  All they feel is pain from withdrawal, and it’s a pain that they can’t tolerate. So they hide. They sneak. They lie.

So! I’m re-committed. Re-committed to what my soul knows deep-down but has forgotten lately: love through the discipline. It can be my no-fail, discipline approach. Because (no lie), children can tolerate love.

Loads and loads and loads of love. <3