GRATEFUL FOR THIS TINY ONE.

The strongest emotion I’ve felt with this baby is grateful.
And then relieved. I found out, sat back, and said “Phew” rather than jumping
up and saying “Yes!” like I did with Olivia. There’s nothing like losing a baby to
make you wonder if or when or how many more little ones you’ll ever
really have. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til
it’s gone?” Doesn’t it seem to go that being without makes you so so so so
grateful for everything you’ll ever receive?

If you’ve read along here for a few months, you may remember
that I miscarried a sweet little one last October. I was two-ish months along – the doctor’s best guess, since the baby had been gone for a
while before we found out. And man. It was rough. My body didn’t want to let go
of that baby, and I don’t think my heart did, either. It was the end of
November when I actually, finally miscarried (via medical help) – an entire month later.
And that wasn’t the only time that had happened to us…I don’t like miscarrying. I really don’t. It’s painful and
scary and sad.

I don’t know why we lose babies when we’re deliberate about
having them. I mean, you are ready and willing to give your body and heart to
another person and yet the answer is “no” or “not yet…”

I do know, though,
that God is in control when babies go. He knows when each sparrow falls. He
knows what’s going on with His tiny children. He adores His daughters that are willing to
carry them. He admires His sons that are anxious to be dads.

I know, too, that the darkest of clouds have the brightest silver linings. My history has taught me that you never really know when it comes to babies and birth, but it also shouts to
have hope. So hope I have! And gratitude.

A lot of it.

Love you, my sweet baby. Come what may, I will for forever and ever!