THIS LITTLE ONE.

Friday, October 17, 2014
I have a ballerina baby inside of me. Olivia kicked me twice during her entire pregnancy compared to how this beautiful baby moves. She pushes, pokes (literally - with her elbow in my side), and rolls. She stays on my right side, so that hip gets sore, but I don’t care much. Her loud-and-clear, and sometimes uncomfortable presence, has given me too much peace of mind. She is alive and well. 

Today I am 35 weeks pregnant with her and I can’t believe it. I’m standing back, shocked, as I look at the calendar and realize that my baby is coming. We’ve nearly done the whole nine yards. To say I’m ready, excited, so totally in love with her are understatements bigger than Texas.

I had this shocking epiphany come last month, too - "I’m going to have another baby and be mama to two!" - but I absorbed it in the opposite way. Completely! When I looked at the calendar then and realized that my baby was coming, I broke out into a bawl. I was terrified. Everything that I wasn’t accomplishing with my one baby flooded my mind. The bags under my eyes felt even heavier. My shoulders slumped. Every bit of me was already being stretched. My patience, energy, motherly instincts, love for the motherhood work, belief in myself, stamina for my other projects - I was at my limit. How on earth could I put another chick under my wing??

I just felt so afraid. Finally, one night as I was crying (again), Ryan helped me snap out of the sad stuff. He said, “Jen, I get it. You’re not even getting what you need to do done every day, let alone what you want to do - how will you do anything at all with a new baby?” He understood! Then he said, “But you’ve got to stop thinking about what you can't do. Don’t let your thoughts go there. Don’t.”

He was right. The fearful thoughts had to go. So I dropped them like they were steaming hot. That "what if" heat is too hard to hold for all of us, in one way or another

Another helpful thought came later: I have no idea yet how this darling girl will metamorphose our lives! I mean, if you could’ve told me with 100% confidence how awesome Olivia was going to be , I wouldn’t have believed you. I couldn't have grasped it. Before Olivia was born, I knew that growing a family with your husband was a good thing, but I had no idea that it was the greatest thing to feel and experience all together. Having a family is the greatest thing about living life.

Believe me, I know I’m at the base of a really long, uphill hike and that the next six months (at least) will try me. But I’ve climbed some steep, hard life stretches before - especially since becoming a mother - and I know the burn that comes from hiking is worth it. A woman becomes strong via this path. So incredibly, beautifully strong. This sums up what I'm in for best: "Where much is required, much more will be given" (via this talk). 

So 35 weeks down, 5 more to go. Here we go!!

**Look for more posts here from now on about everything - the remainder of Tiny Babe's pregnancy, the beginning of her life, Miss Olivia, parenting stuff (I need your advice on some things!), happy stuff, hard stuff, the East Coast, and our small business. I’m listening to Essentialism right now (go get it!) and this place online for me is surprisingly essential, I’d say, to my well-being and our family’s life. So don’t stray too far! See you soon. xoxo**

4 comments:

  1. Jeni - this is so beautiful and so true. You are going to love being a Mother of two. There is almost nothing so sweet to me as sibling love! And the heart just keeps on growing! I'm here to help you too, however I can! So excited for little Stan to have a little girlfriend :).
    x

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    1. She'll be Stan's future fiancé. :) You win at life, Joanna. If anyone's taught me how to conquer mothering two, it's you!

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  2. "Having a family is the greatest thing about living life" YES!! How true and how wonderful and yet scary and hard it sometimes can be. Love this post! Keep those positive thoughts because really, you are fabulous!

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    1. If you only knew how much I miss you being my neighbor, you saint. I love Lisa Devey!!

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