Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The strongest emotion I’ve felt with this baby is grateful. And then relieved. I found out, sat back, and said “Phew” rather than jumping up and saying “Yes!” like I did with Olivia. There’s nothing like losing a baby to make you wonder if or when or how many more little ones you’ll ever really have. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?” Doesn’t it seem to go that being without makes you so so so so grateful for everything you’ll ever receive?

If you’ve read along here for a few months, you may remember that I miscarried a sweet little one last October. I was two-ish months along – the doctor’s best guess, since the baby had been gone for a while before we found out. And man. It was rough. My body didn’t want to let go of that baby, and I don’t think my heart did, either. It was the end of November when I actually, finally miscarried (via medical help) – an entire month later. And that wasn’t the only time that had happened to us...I don’t like miscarrying. I really don’t. It’s painful and scary and sad.

I don’t know why we lose babies when we’re deliberate about having them. I mean, you are ready and willing to give your body and heart to another person and yet the answer is “no” or “not yet…”

I do know, though, that God is in control when babies go. He knows when each sparrow falls. He knows what’s going on with His tiny children. He adores His daughters that are willing to carry them. He admires His sons that are anxious to be dads.

I know, too, that the darkest of clouds have the brightest silver linings. My history has taught me that you never really know when it comes to babies and birth, but it also shouts to have hope. So hope I have! And gratitude.

A lot of it.

Love you, my sweet baby. Come what may, I will for forever and ever!


  1. You are RADIANT! I'm so excited for you, and I hope it's a boy. Haha.

    1. Actually, I kind of feel like it is... and that you're psychic.

      xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox, love!

  2. So happy for you, Jeni! This babe is so lucky to have you for a mama. Thank you for your posts - they most often leave me teary and remind me to be grateful. :)

  3. You look amazing! When are you due? New follower right here :)
    Hoping you will stop by and take a look at my blog too!

    1. You are the sweetest to reach out, Kimberly! Loooved checking out your blog. Fabulous. Following!


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